Taking Risks

Prologue

I've always been prone to risk taking behavior. Albeit calculated, I embrace and tolerate risk well. And this finds its way into my artistic process.

While I have a few approaches to how I build or develop my vision for a piece, or at times, how I pivot, one method I favor is as follows:

1) Spend most of the time and energy imagining the different layers, mentally painting it start to finish - multiple times.

2) Pausing between each layer to mentally paint and make sure my vision is intact.

3) Changing something in the moment toward the end to give a certain sense or organic spontaneity.

How I go about the last part does have parameters - I don't want to "fuck it up."

Boundaries/Process

Lately I've been reflecting on and challenging the boundaries I have with my process and pursuit of artistic fulfillment - in short, I'm taking risks, challenging myself, and questioning what I really know about my process and ability.

Recently an aunt of mine had incredible and inspiring success facing very serious health concerns and troubling odds. Learning about it, and talking with her reminded me that even in a crisis, one thing “going right” can really change things - a conversation I've been having with myself for years.

Before i began painting "seriously," when my mental health was not being managed and I idolized suicide for years before making a serious attempt. I found myself asking if even if everything went right, if living was even worth it, and I couldn't find a rational answer. Coming out of that time period, and being fortunate to have support while I found new meanings, new purpose, and new ways to relate to the world around me, I found myself feeling that I didn't need all things or many things to "go right," being lucky enough for one thing to "go right" often changes everything else around it. Reconnecting with my aunt reminded me of this truth in a time of reflection, and I shortly after started working on a painting for her daughter, my cousin.

When my cousin asked me to paint her something, I thought of my past and her mother's recent journey, and I wanted to capture that. The timing of her request couldn't have been more appropriate for my process to blossom.

Historically, the more my process draws attention to itself, the more anxious I am producing it, and the more discomfort it captures in its message. However, with this piece, I hope that challenging myself, and drawing attention to my process and the imprint left by my hands, it's a reminder that sometimes risks are worth taking. And sometimes, it only takes one thing "going right" for a tremendous result to turn out.